Friday, February 6, 2009
Trust ... sometimes a difficult thing
As I somewhat anticipated, this move has been a difficult one for Arsema. Our mostly carefree little girl has temporarily transformed once again into a frightened wee-one with her guard way up. She looks at me as though I’ve let her down. We worked so long and hard to build trust with her and this set-back hit me hard emotionally. And while I would not choose for her to go through this, the Lord is definitely working through it and teaching me even greater lessons about Him.
When I look into her eyes and see that stare of confusion I have to ask myself ….. is this what I look like when looking to my heavenly Father during times of difficulty and unknown. Does my guard go up when I don’t know what’s coming next? Does my anxiety level rise when my routine is broken? Oh you betcha! I sense the Lord whispering to my spirit these last weeks and months …. “My child, don’t you know that you can TRUST ME?! Haven’t I proven to you over and over again that I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU?! My word says that I WILL NEVER leave you or forsake you! …. Do you really believe me? I have been there with you every step of this journey, none of that has changed!” But my flesh and my weakness seep out at times and I give in to fear and I’m tempted to believe the lies of the enemy.
The Lord is so KIND and MERCIFUL. He does not hold office hours. He is readily available to us every single moment, if we’ll just look to HIM and embrace Him with arms open wide. I’ve had to ask myself a lot this last year what is it that keeps me from embracing Him! Often it is the fear of the unknown. At those times I’m challenged to take a look at His character. What I am coming to realize is that He is worthy of our absolute trust!!! He longs for His children to be completely, whole-heartily surrendered to Him.
I find myself doing lots and lots of reassuring with Arsema these days. Doing my best to meet her where she is, which is a bit regressed from where she was. I’ve been working to connect with her, seeking frequent eye-contact, maintaining limits so she feels safe and secure. Over and over again the Lord gently reminds me ….. this is what I’m doing with you, my child! I long for your COMPLETE trust. I want you to look to me, not with eyes of fear, but eyes full of vibrancy because you are SO familiar with me and my ways that you just trust me no matter where I take you!
I find myself trying to prove to my daughter that she can really trust me!, that I have her very BEST in mind, that I work to meet her needs. But you see, with the Lord it’s all been proven long, long ago. Unlike me with all my sin and selfish desires and inadequacies, the Lord has NO limits. He is the perfect example of a parent. He proved it all when He chose to die for me so that I might enjoy eternity with Him. Thinking about what He’s done for me, spurs me on to surrender, obedience and walking in truth. Oh that He would take out the yuck in my heart and life so that I can better serve Him and my family.
I look forward to the days to come, knowing with some extra work, patience and time, our precious Arsema will let her guard down and flourish once again. Soon her anger will give way to laughter more frequently and she’ll have figured out that we’re all still here and while her life got shook up yet again, she’s gonna be okay. How I long for her to grow up to know and understand her Heavenly Father’s love. What a privilege it is to walk this journey of life with her, even during her very grumpy moments.
Change does not come without pain. Even good change causes stress and anxiety. But as I’m learning day by day, the Lord can be trusted with every detail. Selling a house, securing a job, and raising support for a new ministry …. The Lord is in control of all of it. HE is the one who will make it all come to be, we need to focus on surrender and obedience each day, moment by moment.